The Odd Couple
by lemonkc7
Summary: Sesshomaru's life is pretty uneventful...That is, until his little brother is thrown into the streets. Now he has no choice but to take him in, but he's bargained for far much more than he's realized. Based on the screenplay "The Odd Couple"!


Sesshomaru sighed and plopped down into his bed. Work had been hell and the day was too long and extremely tiring. His back throbbed and he groaned as he laid down.

"…fuck." he muttered for no apparent reason.

He had started cursing a lot more recently. It had everything to do with his annoying-as-hell younger brother. The bastard Inuyasha had gambled away most of his life savings on booze and poker, and had been evicted from his apartment for not paying his rent for the last six months. The idiot had actually come to him for help, telling him some cock-and-bull story about his landlady throwing him out on his ass into the street, and now he had no place to go.

For no reason, other than wanting to shut his whining sibling up, Seshomaru had allowed Inuyasha to stay with him. The grounds were simple:

"Rule number one- shut the hell up.

Rule number two- you pay for your own groceries as well as half of the rent. I don't want you eating my food, smoking my cigarettes, or drinking my booze.

Rule number three- don't bring any of your friends here. This is my apartment, not yours. If you want to have some friends or a girl or two come over, ask me first, then I will tell you 'no.'

Rule number four- DO NOT COME HOME DRUNK. I cannot stress this one enough. DO NOT. You are a lousy drunk. All you do is cry and bitch about your miserable life and I will not tolerate it. Not to mention the fact that you can't hold your alcohol for more than three hours before you throw it all up."

His brother had been with him for all of four days before he discovered a whole new, uncharted area of unmentioned rules to break. Such as leaving empty ramen cups all over the apartment. On the coffee table, the kitchen counters, in the bathroom on the towel racks, and even between the couch cushions. Sesshomaru had also found them in his car, which he had so graciously allowed his little brother to drive on the conditions that he didn't eat in it, and that he never brought it home empty. He still brought it home empty, of course, using the lame excuse that he was flat broke and couldn't afford four-dollars-a-gallon gas.

Sesshomaru was mentally and physically exhausted from Inuyasha's annoying habits. Thus his usage of "fuck." At least it was Thursday night. That meant his weekly poker game was on the following night. It was his turn to host the game at his apartment. He had busted his ass trying to keep the place clean of ramen cups, Coors light bottles, and cheap cigarette butts He had even broken through a couple of twenty dollar bills for Vodka and Scotch to replenish his liquor cabinet.

"I'll be damned if I let that bastard ruin cards for me, too…" he muttered to himself.

Kicking off his shoes, he rolled onto his side and reached for the phone. It'd be best to give the rest of the guys a heads up about his brother before they came over. Luckily there was a game on, that meant that they'd all be over at Koga's since he had high-def. He punched in the number and counted the rings…one…two…three--

"What?!" an aggravated Koga shouted. He hated being bothered while watching TV.  
"Don't 'what' me. If you've got such a problem with the phone ringing, just turn the damn thing off." He could hear the rest of the guys snickering in the background. He had him on speakerphone. They all felt the same way about Koga's 'phone rage'.  
Koga, meanwhile, was distracted by the game.

"What the fuck?! Catch the pigskin, you pussy-fingered sonovabitch!! AHH! Dammit!!  
Don't replay it, you idiots!! Every damn person watching saw it the first time!! Don't waste my time and Tivo showing the same fucking thing twice!! A THIRD time?! Are you fucking kidding me?!"

"Why don't you just let me talk to--" Sesshomaru began.  
"Miroku! Here! Talk to this son of a bitch before I bite the damn phone in half!"  
A much calmer man spoke this time,  
"Hold on, I'm turning it off speaker so I can hear. There. Hello?"  
"It's me." Sesshomaru sighed. He was going to ask for Naraku. He felt like he might understand his situation better, being from a big family and having many siblings himself. Miroku would just suggest that he 'accept the way his brother was, and love him for who he is, blah, blah, blah,'  
"Oh, hello, Sesshomaru. You'll have to forgive Koga. The poor man has just lost a hefty bet from that last play."  
"I see… I just wanted to warn you all: my pain-in-the-ass brother Inuyasha is staying with me for a while since he got kicked out of his place. He'll be here tomorrow night during the poker game."  
"Well, won't that be nice?" Miroku laughed.

Here comes the shit…Sesshomaru groaned inwardly.  
"You know, that may be just what you need. You two have never been very close. Especially because of your delusions about your late father liking him more--"  
"Don't feed me that change-your-outlook-on-life crap. He did love him more. He left a will to prove it. You remember that don't you?"  
"Sesshomaru,--"  
"Oh, yes. 'I'll just leave my worth-dirt estate and dead stocks to my older son. My younger son can have my rare collection of sport cars that he can drive while he's inebriated."  
"Now, Sesshomaru, that's a little unfair--"  
"Ooh! And crash all six of them into the side of the same damned mountain while he's at it! They were all totaled by the end of the first month!"  
"At least he was never seriously hurt when he wrecked…" Miroku offered.  
"Oh, yes. Thank God he was never injured." he spat.  
A moment of silence passed between them. Sesshomaru heard more of Koga's profanity in the background. Miroku cleared his throat before speaking softly.  
"Well,…maybe he has outgrown all that now. No one stays young forever, you know."  
"Yeah, whatever."  
"That being said, I have to let you go now. I have two hundred dollars to collect from an asshole. See you tomorrow night."  
"Yeah, see you then."

**************************************************************************************************************************

Luck smiled the next day. Even if the sky had opened up, Saint Peter himself had floated down to earth and smoked a blunt with him and Queen Elizabeth, Sesshomaru could not have been happier than he was now.  
Inuyasha was going out that night and would not be home until after two. It was the grand opening of a new club on the other side of town, and Inuyasha was determined to go and pick up a girl. He had even called up a cab to take him there and pick him up. He couldn't afford another "drinking under the influence" ticket anyways.

After setting up the card table and finding the new deck of cards he had just bought, Sesshomaru found himself whistling. He couldn't remember the last time he had been in a better mood than now. He pulled out the jokers and flicked them across the room into the trash can.  
"Scooorree!" he sang out like an idiot. His cat stared at him from the back of the couch.

"I know exactly what you're thinking, Tenchii: 'What the hell?' Am I right?"

He scratched the tabby behind his ears, making him purr.  
Looking out the front window he saw Koga and Naraku parking across the street. They had been living together and splitting rent for the last year. They seemed to get along fine…maybe he could learn to tolerate Inuyasha. Right after Inuyasha became less of a fucking idiot, of course. The sound of knocking brought him back to reality. He let Naraku and Koga in.

"Miroku said he'd be a few minutes late." Koga muttered.  
"He's gone to the bank to cash a two hundred dollar check…compliments of Koga." Naraku laughed, grabbing his friend by the shoulder roughly.  
"I'd kill to be there when he tries to cash it though. My account's so overdrawn that he can ride on that check from here to Hong Kong when it bounces!"  
"You know, Koga, most people wouldn't brag about having crappy credit…especially before losing a poker game." Sesshomaru smiled.  
Naraku made himself at home and made a beeline for the liquor cabinet.  
"Whoa! Scotch and Vodka? Since when did you become able to afford this?"  
"Since rent went up fifty bucks…for Inuyasha."  
"Oh, man! That is low!" Koga groaned.  
"So… does that mean you won't be having any then, Koga?"  
"I'll drink his share!" Naraku offered, pulling out both bottles and breaking the seal on the Vodka.  
Koga swallowed and pursed his suddenly dry lips together.  
"Well…since wine-o here already broke the seal, it's not like we can return it. I can only hope that you will never do this again, Sesshomaru." Koga crossed his arms in his best Miroku imitation.  
"Ha ha! That's pretty good! Now do one of Miroku cashing your crap check." Naraku suggested.  
"Did we plan this little get together to do impressions or to deal some poker?" Sesshomaru interrupted.  
"Come on, fellas. I've got two hundred real dollars in poker chips burning a hole through the card table, alright? Let's play."

*********************************************************************************************************************

"Ante up," Koga muttered. His game was a little off tonight and he was becoming irritated about losing every round. It had been bad enough when he had successfully gypped Miroku out of two hundred bucks with that shitty check, but now the jerk was winning ninety-five dollars!

"Two fifty," Naraku offered, setting his glass down on the table.

"Use your coaster. I'll see your two fifty and raise you a quarter." Sesshomaru replied.

"I'll see your quarter. What's a coaster?"

"The little round thing that goes under your glass. It prevents the glass from leaving little rings on the table."

"Uh-huh….Umm, I think I bet it…" Naraku sighed.

"Here! I knew I was winning too much!" Koga griped and tossed the coaster to him.

"I'll ante two seventy-five. . .What time is it?" Miroku asked.

"Again? Where are you running? What's the rush?" Sesshomaru asked.

"No rush. I just wanted to know what time it was."

"You're winning ninety-five dollars that's what time it is." Koga snapped.

"It's half past ten." Naraku said, glancing at his watch.

"Oh, ok…Gotta leave by twelve."

"Jeez," Koga swore, standing up and pouring another drink.

"I told you that when I sat down, 'I've got to leave by twelve.'"

"You've got a big mouth, Miroku, Just for that, lend me twenty dollars." Sesshomaru interrupted.

"I just lent you twenty dollars! Give it a rest, will you? I keep winning my own money back,"

"Full house, seven's and queens," Naraku grinned, laying his cards down,

"Fold," Sesshomaru threw down his cards with a disgusted sigh, and got up for another shot of Vodka.

"Straight." Miroku smiled, and gathered the chips. He stacked them neatly together.

"Stop playing with your chips." Koga growled.

"I'm not playing, I'm counting! Get off my back, and leave me alone!" Miroku said defensively.

"I'll leave you alone when you stop playing with your chips! I can't stand winners who play with their chips!"

Sesshomaru called from the bar in the kitchen,

"This is my house. Miroku, if you want to play with your chips, you go right ahead and play with them, darling."

"Thank you, Sesshomaru." Miroku laughed.

"Now lend me that twenty bucks or I'll call your girlfriend and tell her that you're in the park wearing a dress." he finished.

Before Miroku could reply, the phone rang.

"Hello?" Sesshomaru answered. A moment of silence... then a smile crept over his face.

"Oh, hello, sweetheart." At that, the men at the table looked up towards him.

"Yes, yes, I am…" he chuckled softly.

"Listen, sweetie, I told you not to call tonight, the guys are here. I can't talk right now," He was grinning broadly now.

"Ah, ok. ..Ok, hang on just one second, please," he placed the phone over his chest,

"Miroku, it's your girlfriend!" Naraku and Koga burst into a fit of laughter at that.

"I wish you were having an affair with her, then maybe she wouldn't bother me so much." He got up and reached for the phone.

"Yeah, Sango? What do you want?"

Sesshomaru took his place back at the card table and swiped a twenty dollar chip from Miroku's spot. Then he mimicked Sango:

"'What time are you coming home?' Then Miroku:

'Oh, I don't know, twelve or twelve thirty.'"

"Oh, I don't know, twelve or twelve thirty…" Miroku said.

"You want a what?....A double quarter pounder and large fries?"

"What the hell?! Is she pregnant?!" Koga demanded.

Miroku covered the phone with his hand,

"No, just fat. Ha ha!!" He put the phone back up to his ear.

"How could you hear that?! I was covering the phone!!"

After he hung up, he returned to cut and deal the cards out again.

"Hold the cards up higher please, would you, guys? I can't see where I marked them." Sesshomaru said.

Miroku dealt then picked up his cards,  
"Wait a minute…How many cards do I have? Four?" he asked, confused.  
Naraku nodded his head and smiled at him,

"Yes, Miroku. Four. We all have four. If you gave us all one more, we would all have five. If you gave us all two more, we would all have six. Do you see how it works now?"

"Why is everyone picking on me tonight?!" Miroku demanded.

"Now, now, dear, No one's picking on you. What time did you say you have to leave again?" Sesshomaru chided.

"Twelve o'clock,"

"Ok, twelve o'clock. Now we've got ten minutes until the next announcement."

The phone rang again. Grunting with agitation, Sesshomaru threw down a royal flush and got up.

"Oh, well." Miroku sighed.

"Dammit!" Koga swore.

"Fuck…" Naraku agreed.

"Hello?" Sesshomaru answered.

"Yes, this is Sesshomaru Taisho…Who's this?…The Police?…" His face lost all color.

"Uh…Y-yes, I have a brother. Inuyasha, right…" Then his face turned red now and his hand gripped the phone in an angry vice.

"WHAT?!" he roared.

"No, no,…Keep him there."

"What is it?" Naraku asked, fully concerned. Sesshomaru held the phone against his chest.

"Inuyasha's down at the police station. They arrested him for being drunk in public and disturbing the peace."

"And you said 'keep him there'?!" Miroku was outraged.

"It's not my fault that he's gotten himself into trouble again."

"He's your brother, for crying out loud! He's your responsibility now that he's staying with you!"

"All right! I'll go get him. Stop your bitching, Mother." Sesshomaru groaned. Then he held the phone back to his ear,

"Yes,…No, I'll come and get him…Hey, did any of your officers happen pick any transvestites tonight?…Really?…Could you do me a favor then, Sir? …Would you just put my dear brother in with them, please?…Thank you. I'll be there in, oh, an hour or so…You have a good night, too, Sir." He hung up the phone and strode back into the living room.

"I need four hundred dollars to bail my drunk little brother out of jail, let's up the stakes a bit, shall we?"


End file.
